I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?