I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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Free him
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry