I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.