i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
You Might Also Like
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!