I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
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My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume