I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
You Might Also Like
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*weighs self after shaving
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”