I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
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[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Get in loser we’re going crying
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting