I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP