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ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
doing your own taxes
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy