I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My favorite female superhero
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“How’s your day going?”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.