@redherringbear: I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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@sofarrsogud: The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
@whereami18: A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
@7notyours: Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake. Dog-1 Human-0
@JermHimselfish: I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.