I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness