I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
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Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?