cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.