Me, flirting馃槒
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When鈥檚 dinner?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Watermelon Boss!
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you鈥檒l never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
WIFE: what鈥檚 going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven鈥檛 had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Kid: There鈥檚 a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that