I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC