@Schmoodles: I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
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@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
@marknorm: When you're a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you're an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
@Fred_Delicious: where do y'all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club? "THE BOG OF DESPAIR" Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don't get to pick anymore
@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.