@Schmoodles: I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
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@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
@ChrisScarlette: [pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?
@rolldiggity: 1. Tattoo "I'M WATCHING YOU" on your shaved head. 2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over. 3. Shave head in front of him
@knot_eye: Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?