Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??