I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
every college guy’s fridge
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*