@Gupton68: I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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@jonnysun: JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
@longwall26: *refills beautiful woman's wine glass* haha I feel like I've been talking about corn dogs--and my love of corn dogs--all night
@newLettuce: Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money Manager: Is this true Waiter: I just gave him the check
@iwearaonesie: me: Remember when I was 9 and you promised to take me to get ice cream but you never did? dad: Remember when you were 5 and I picked you up to leave the store and you yelled, “This is not my daddy!” me dad me: Apology accepted