What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
When you’ve simply given up.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My dress code is business-casualty.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me