@dire_beard: I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.
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@krishna_van: Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
@LOVELADONNIS: Woman on the plane just asked her crying son "are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby" I'm like damn are these the only options?
@voldemortsbicep: How To Make Lemon Squares: Make the undercookie Then the jigglesauce Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
@BillMc7: Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.