If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?