I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
bugs when you lift up a rock
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)