I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Cardio Made Easy
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.