@truegritrumble: I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn't be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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@jeffswarens: The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn't notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt
@_davidlucas_: People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Boss: I suspect one of you is dead [Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]