@truegritrumble: I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn't be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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@david8hughes: [first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
@Book_Krazy: [interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."