I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Sheep
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder