@Black__Elvis: I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth.
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@thatdutchperson: Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms? Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals
@whatmaddness: My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn't ask any questions. I think about it a lot.