[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Human are so complicated
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.