@Black__Elvis: I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth.
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@Coastiefish: Don't say "ATM machine". The "M" already stands for "machine". It's redundant. It's like saying "end result" or "racist Fox News Anchor".
@DancesWithTamis: "Hola! I'm Señor Coconut, children" [cracks head on the pavement. Children scream] "Drink me. Drink me. I'm full of vitamins and minerals"
@bombsydoll: me: I know it's over, but can I have one last hug? Please? Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?
@RocketRankoon: I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.