I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
You Might Also Like
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle