I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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i- i did not expect this
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.