what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
That’s amazing.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today