@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!
@SingleVixxen: If I ask you how your weekend was, don't reply with "not long enough." Don't be that guy. I will reply with "that's what she said."
@rockymomax: wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
"In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call"
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
"COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"
@VerifiedDrunk: Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
@WeissBrandon: If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.