Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
He’s cranky this morning
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
She: I like Cats
He:
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My nickname in high school was “who?”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.