@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!
@TheRolo: Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's-
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
@wickedsuga: I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.
@FatherWithTwins: By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it'll be time to start applying to colleges.
@Bob_Janke: My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.
@AmericanGent69: Co-Worker: Poor John has been single forever. We should set him up.
Me: *hiding cocaine and a gun in his office desk* I’m on it.