@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!
@kaytaa: Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.
@tastefactory: "My husband's a talented voice actor & his brother's a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person" -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing "Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic" on the check]
@liv_thatsme: "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?"
Me: I cooked it for you. It's over there, on that teaspoon.
@weismanjake: Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters