I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.