I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Hard not to take this personally
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Why am I like this?
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