I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…