@LizHackett: I once saw a real bear in the wild and said "Aww, look at him!" What I'm saying is, don't turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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@david8hughes: [sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
@shashaintl: What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
@neiltyson: Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
@moose_chocolate: If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.