My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..