“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I think I’m having a stroke
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.