I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.