I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
🥶🥶🐶🐶
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.