I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you