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16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!