I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
s
oc
i
a
l
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator