I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.