I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
bad news gang
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work