@girlontapas: I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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@abbycohenwl: I'm training my cats to use the bathroom like people. It really works! [cut to bathroom: two cats do cocaine off the toilet tank]
@KristinHalbrook: Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
@XplodingUnicorn: The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up