@girlontapas: I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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@too_chihuahua: "How much are these glasses?" "$150 sir" "I guess you could say" *puts on sunglasses* *runs out without another word*
@ThisOneSayz: My mother's scale of concern: 1 missed call = I am busy with the kids. 2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
@JohnLyonTweets: A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops