@girlontapas: I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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@TheMichaelRock: God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.
@Kate_Goldsmith: I thought I typed "twitter" in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail....
@aka_fatman: Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?