I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”