I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Spring of Deception
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car