I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.