New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
(Electricians.)
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how