Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*