I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The dark side of Canada
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there