I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.