I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”