I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
ME: Iām here for toilet papā
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But Iā¦
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just neeā
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
wouldāve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
having children is great because just when youāre on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
š©š©š©
I keep every love note Iāve ever written because one day Iāll have grandchildren who will find them and itāll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
āDonāt judge a book by its coverā is the worst advice ever.
Thatās literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. Thatās better, now flare his nostrils like heās excited about a sale.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and Iām not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants